What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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