I'm jealous of your bromance
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
