I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
