we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
