I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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