So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
