Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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