I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Small penises have feelings too.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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