fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
