I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Your cock deserves a montage
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
