I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
