If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Help. Why am I so naked?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
