i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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