He kissed a someone with a penis
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
