Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
