I want to walk on stilts...naked
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
