He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
