Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
