I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
