walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
