I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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