My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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