you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
