I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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