you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
