Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
