The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
