Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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