I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
