i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my shit smells like andre
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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