He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My hand turned me down
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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