just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
