Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
