i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
