me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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