Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
