He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
