Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
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your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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