Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
