Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she pinky promised me she was 18
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
