God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
