Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Shame - the story of my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
