Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
