Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
