Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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