The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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