So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
