Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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