My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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