My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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