He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
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I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
tell me about the fingering
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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