I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
