He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
