i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
