I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
